My breast feeding experience!

I meant to write this during Breast feeding awareness week, but it's taken me longer to pull it together. As part of my training in the Breast Feeding Peer Supporter role, I have been asked to write about my experiences of breast feeding. I am sorry if this is a bit clunky, but it feels good to have written it.

I wanted to breast feed my baby as I had heard that this was the way to give “the best start”. This was reinforced by midwives during my antenatal consultation and the NCT course which my husband and I went on. My husband Stephen also wanted to support me in Breastfeeding our child. His sisters had both recently breastfed their babies to one year old, and I had a number of friends who had breastfed. It seemed simple and easy and a lot less hassle than making up bottles etc.

I don’t remember much about breastfeeding from my childhood as I am an only child. I recall friends of my mother feeding their newborns. I also recall that our next door neighbour fed her daughter until she was 5 and my mother was very critical of this.

Many of my friends had had babies recently and they had all breast fed easily with few problems (as far as I was concerned). My best friends daughter had a tongue tie so I was aware of that as potential issue.

Coming home from hospital on the day my daughter was born, I was confident that we could “do” this. However it quickly turned into a nightmare situation with a sleepy baby who never seemed to want to feed and excruciating pain for me. It was so hard and so painful, my husband had to be there all the time to comfort me and to hold my baby’s hands out of the way as she was always clawing at my painful nipples (now I understand about biological nurturing and how natural it was for her to root in this way). Once I had latched my baby on, the feeds seemed endless and painful. The midwife in the hospital had said that she had checked and was sure that my daughter didn’t have a tongue tie. However she was losing weight fast and I was dreading feeding her and we had such a hard time but I was determined not to give up. At this point talking to friends who had breastfed, I discovered that others had also encountered pain and problems. One friend recommended I seek help at a local breastfeeding support group.

Help came in the form of a wonderful lady who is an NCT breast feeding counsellor. She assessed our baby for tongue tie, and thought that perhaps there was one. We had the tongue tie divided the next day at an NHS birth centre. Feeding improved slightly but it was still so so painful. We went to see the BF counsellor again the next day to see if we could help with the latching.  I initially thought given her job title that meant she was "paid" by the NCT to help new Mums. I later found out that she is, but only for pre-arranged occasional classes. Most of the time she gives is voluntary, we even went to her house on a Sunday lunchtime, her family outside in the garden whilst she helped us. I had been told it could take a while for the latch to improve and after 1 more week the midwives said I needed to introduce top ups. I didn’t feel able to express so heart breakingly introduced formula. I was determined to get back to exclusively breast feeding, even though my Mum, mother in law and the GP/ HV etc all said it wouldn’t matter. It took 8 weeks of top ups and expressing (triple feeding) until I felt confident that my milk was enough. This was after a second tongue tie division at 5 weeks (privately), and a consultation with the infant feeding specialist. I was also suffering with thrush and we both had treatment to clear that up. After the second TTD I was just beginning to feel like we were going to be ok when I was struck down with mastitis, the antibiotics that the GP suggested didn’t seem to be having any affect and after 10 days of antibiotics I was diagnosed with a large lactational breast abscess in my left breast. The consultant told me to keep feeding, so I did. I had several needle aspirations but was ultimately referred for surgery. The abscess burst while I was in the hospital waiting to be admitted, so I had an emergency operation to incise and drain with only local anaesthetic. I then had to have the wound cleaned and packed (so that it wouldn’t heal too fast) every day. At the start my milk was seeping into the cavity producing huge amounts of exudate. It took a while to settle down but after 6 weeks of daily assistance to clean and pack the wound I started to do it myself. After another 6 weeks (when my daughter was almost 5 months old) it finally healed. I now have an inch long scar and a slight dent in my boob, but 4 months on and I am still feeding from both sides. I’ve recently suffered a bleb and associated blocked duct which I managed with hand expressing (learned on my peer supporter course) and it is now much better though with 4 teeth we are still working on latch a bit whilst tired.

For me breastfeeding was not what I expected. I had no idea what trials there could be. Writing this summary (which is probably too long, sorry) has been emotionally difficult, however I think it is healthy for me to reflect. I can see why this has been included in the course. Breast feeding is without a doubt one of the hardest and one of the most rewarding things I have ever had to do. I feel upset for the difficulties we had and how it affected my relationship with my poor starving newborn baby. I am proud of myself and my husband (who was amazing support) that I managed to continue. I am pleased that at 8 months we are still breast feeding and have no immediate plans on stopping.

I wanted to be a peer supporter because I feel very strongly that the formula and baby food companies have managed to create a world where it’s more acceptable to bottle feed than to do the most natural thing in the world, and aside from the potential physical challenges, there is also a cultural challenge. I would like to be there to help new mothers gain confidence in breast feeding and gain the help and encouragement they need to feed if they wish. I am conscious that I must not bring the dark cloud that sits over my memories of early breast feeding to my peer supporter role. I am aware that it is often not appropriate to share your own experiences. I think this will be a challenge for me, but I hope that some positive things can come out of my hard experiences!