I wanted to breast feed my baby as I had heard that this was
the way to give “the best start”. This was reinforced by midwives during my
antenatal consultation and the NCT course which my husband and I went on. My
husband Stephen also wanted to support me in Breastfeeding our child. His sisters
had both recently breastfed their babies to one year old, and I had a number of
friends who had breastfed. It seemed simple and easy and a lot less hassle than
making up bottles etc.
I don’t remember much about breastfeeding from my childhood
as I am an only child. I recall friends of my mother feeding their newborns. I
also recall that our next door neighbour fed her daughter until she was 5 and
my mother was very critical of this.
Many of my friends had had babies recently and they had all
breast fed easily with few problems (as far as I was concerned). My best
friends daughter had a tongue tie so I was aware of that as potential issue.
Coming home from hospital on the day my daughter was born, I
was confident that we could “do” this. However it quickly turned into a
nightmare situation with a sleepy baby who never seemed to want to feed and
excruciating pain for me. It was so hard and so painful, my husband had to be
there all the time to comfort me and to hold my baby’s hands out of the way as
she was always clawing at my painful nipples (now I understand about biological
nurturing and how natural it was for her to root in this way). Once I had latched
my baby on, the feeds seemed endless and painful. The midwife in the hospital
had said that she had checked and was sure that my daughter didn’t have a
tongue tie. However she was losing weight fast and I was dreading feeding her
and we had such a hard time but I was determined not to give up. At this point
talking to friends who had breastfed, I discovered that others had also
encountered pain and problems. One friend recommended I seek help at a local
breastfeeding support group.
Help came in the form of a wonderful lady who is an NCT
breast feeding counsellor. She assessed our baby for tongue tie, and thought
that perhaps there was one. We had the tongue tie divided the next day at an
NHS birth centre. Feeding improved slightly but it was still so so painful. We
went to see the BF counsellor again the next day to see if we could help with
the latching. I initially thought given
her job title that meant she was "paid" by the NCT to help new Mums.
I later found out that she is, but only for pre-arranged occasional classes. Most
of the time she gives is voluntary, we even went to her house on a Sunday
lunchtime, her family outside in the garden whilst she helped us. I had been
told it could take a while for the latch to improve and after 1 more week the
midwives said I needed to introduce top ups. I didn’t feel able to express so
heart breakingly introduced formula. I was determined to get back to exclusively
breast feeding, even though my Mum, mother in law and the GP/ HV etc all said
it wouldn’t matter. It took 8 weeks of top ups and expressing (triple feeding) until
I felt confident that my milk was enough. This was after a second tongue tie
division at 5 weeks (privately), and a consultation with the infant feeding specialist.
I was also suffering with thrush and we both had treatment to clear that up. After
the second TTD I was just beginning to feel like we were going to be ok when I
was struck down with mastitis, the antibiotics that the GP suggested didn’t
seem to be having any affect and after 10 days of antibiotics I was diagnosed
with a large lactational breast abscess in my left breast. The consultant told
me to keep feeding, so I did. I had several needle aspirations but was
ultimately referred for surgery. The abscess burst while I was in the hospital
waiting to be admitted, so I had an emergency operation to incise and drain
with only local anaesthetic. I then had to have the wound cleaned and packed (so
that it wouldn’t heal too fast) every day. At the start my milk was seeping
into the cavity producing huge amounts of exudate. It took a while to settle
down but after 6 weeks of daily assistance to clean and pack the wound I
started to do it myself. After another 6 weeks (when my daughter was almost 5 months
old) it finally healed. I now have an inch long scar and a slight dent in my
boob, but 4 months on and I am still feeding from both sides. I’ve recently
suffered a bleb and associated blocked duct which I managed with hand
expressing (learned on my peer supporter course) and it is now much better
though with 4 teeth we are still working on latch a bit whilst tired.
For me breastfeeding was not what I expected. I had no idea
what trials there could be. Writing this summary (which is probably too long,
sorry) has been emotionally difficult, however I think it is healthy for me to
reflect. I can see why this has been included in the course. Breast feeding is
without a doubt one of the hardest and one of the most rewarding things I have
ever had to do. I feel upset for the difficulties we had and how it affected my
relationship with my poor starving newborn baby. I am proud of myself and my
husband (who was amazing support) that I managed to continue. I am pleased that
at 8 months we are still breast feeding and have no immediate plans on
stopping.
I wanted to be a peer supporter because I feel
very strongly that the formula and baby food companies have managed to create a
world where it’s more acceptable to bottle feed than to do the most natural
thing in the world, and aside from the potential physical challenges, there is
also a cultural challenge. I would like to be there to help new mothers gain
confidence in breast feeding and gain the help and encouragement they need to
feed if they wish. I am conscious that I must not bring the dark cloud that
sits over my memories of early breast feeding to my peer supporter role. I am
aware that it is often not appropriate to share your own experiences. I think
this will be a challenge for me, but I hope that some positive things can come
out of my hard experiences!
